Ten Tinder Tactics

So since my uni course is clearly not time consuming enough, I recently have found myself using Tinder. I sort of give up when it comes to talking to people because I can’t be bothered with the repetitive getting to know you questions, however what I have noticed is that guys tend to employ a few specific tactics in order to attract their prey. I will now proceed to divulge their “secrets” to pulling birds.

 

1. Photo of me with a small child– playing on the maternal instincts, very good. We all love a man who is good with children, and if you catch us on a particularly hormonal occasion, you might have hit a winner …

2. Photo of me with an animal– must love dogs anyone?

3. Photo of me with a grandparent– yeah nice, caring for the elderly, top bloke

4. Photo of me with a pretty girl– this one confuses me a little bit because I always presume it’s a girlfriend or ex-girlfriend, however I think the method behind the madness is that “I can pull good looking girls, you should want me..” Still unsure…

5. Photo with my good-looking best mate– maybe she will mistake me for him? nah i swear girls are cleverer than that….

6. Photo of me lifting– okay definitely do away with the gym photos, if you go to the gym a lot we will be able to see the results, but we don’t need to be privy to every single workout via photos of you #shredding

7. Photo of me playing sport – very Australian tactic and it means you’re a team player, can’t say I have any problem with this!

8. A photo of a wad of cash? ……????….. ?

9. Photo of me in a football jumper- will this trick her into thinking I am actually a football player? On the off chance that it is a footballer, a lot of girls will be swiping right anyway.

10. Photo of me in a suit– suave. As long as it’s a nice suit it’s a good choice.

What I think the best bet is, is to use photos of you having fun with your friends, on holidays, heading out etc. Being able to see that you’re not a complete psycho will usually hit a soft spot with most gals.

So to all those guys out there on Tinder, Happy Tinder Games, and may the odds be ever in your favor!

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Shit Dancers Say

1. I am SO bruised right now

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2. If she tells me I am in the wrong position one more time I swear to God…

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3. When in doubt leg mount (not to be taken seriously)

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4. I can’t wear open toed shoes.. my feet are disgusting

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5. I can’t drink tonight I have dancing tomorrow

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6. Everything hurts

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7. Please, I beg of you, don’t make me improvise

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8. If she tells me I am out of time one more time I swear to God…

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9. I have twenty hours of dancing next week- don’t even talk to me about being busy

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10. I fucked up on stage do you think anyone noticed?

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11. I have floor burn

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12. Pass me the deep heat

Kad ti se sekretarica pod vuce pod sto

13. Bitch, I ain’t too old to dance

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14. We should use that move at clubs

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15. Please, I beg of you, don’t give me an ugly costume

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16. She put me in a crop top…

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17. She put her in a crop top…

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18. Why am I not that flexible LIFE IS NOT FAIR!

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19. #AbbeyLeeDanceStudios

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20. Did you see that routine on SYTYCD last night? Average at best.

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21. Why am I not Beyonce. But actually everyone says that.

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Flying with Fear into a Cyclone

I am scared of flying. No, no I am sorry that would be the understatement of the century. I am petrified of flying. Anyone who has been unfortunate enough to be seated next to me on a plane will know what I mean- nails gripping for dear life into the armchair, uneasy breathing and eyes darting towards any slight movement – because obviously any slight movement means the plane is going down. The Malaysia Airlines flight disappearance has done wonders for my fear; my imagination likes to run even more wild now.

So you can imagine my delight when I learned that I was flying into Christchurch, in a cyclone. Yes, you heard it right, a cyclone. Freaking Cyclone Ita thought it would be a good idea to head from QLD to New Zealand. Thanks babe.

As the plane rocked from side to side, completely throttled by the wind, I clutched onto everything around me, crying irrationally- which is pretty embarrassing when you are not four years old. Did I mention that by this stage I had taken two Valiums. Not even my usual hero Valium was going to save me now.

Jolting erratically towards the Earth, the pilot decided landing was not going to be an option, and so he aborted landing and we took off again, mid-air. Yay.

By the time we finally hit the ground, on a slight angle might I add, I thought that I was going to A. pass out or B. throw up. I walked out of the airport as a zombie about 10 metres behind the rest of the family.

To be fair, I don’t think I will get a flight much worse than that… The fact that a Jetstar plane can land through the tail end of a cyclone does give me faith that I am not going to fall out of the sky on just any ordinary occasion.

I will leave you with some photos of the damage done by the 140km/h winds and pelting rain we flew into.

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Camilla’s Grand Showcase

Sitting in the back row of Camilla’s Grand Showcase, I was pining. Every single element of every single outfit on every single model was divine. Now I may be a tad biased because Camilla Franks is without a doubt my favorite designer, and because I love a good kaftan, but seriously, I did not hear one bad review.

Camilla has this way with fashion that I struggle to find in other designers. She creates fashion that is completely edgy but still feminine, out-there but still wearable.

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The whole show had an element of drama to it- the runway was printed in fantastic, colorful patterns, there was a conductor and a band sitting in the middle of the crowd playing orchestral music and the front two rows were decked out in stunning, beaded Camilla cushions which at the end of the show those sitting on them got to take home as a souvenir.

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The styling was also phenomenal, it sort of reminded me of Lord of the Rings- the dreadlocks and plaits in the hair, models carrying enormous staffs and flags, with their dresses and capes flowing down the runway behind them.

Being a poor uni student, I am not one to go and spend $600 on a dress, but as soon as I got home from the Camilla Grand Showcase, I jumped onto her website and started trying to figure out how I could justify a purchase.

Working at the fashion festival for four years I have seen a few runway shows, but this will undoubtedly go down as the Queen of them all in my mind, and it will be pretty hard to topple Camilla from that throne.

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That’s like Social Suicide..

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So as that time of year rolls around again, I decided I would reminisce on what would have to be my most entertaining memory from last year’s L’Oreal Melbourne Fashion Festival (now coined the Virgin Australia Melbourne Fashion Festival– not quite so catchy).

To give you some context, there are a team of us who work for the Chairman throughout the festival basically as assistants to her and her guests, we also get to watch a few of the shows- one of my favourite perks.

So this one night we were sitting and watching a beautiful runway show, seated a few rows behind the Chairman, when we noticed a bit of a ruckus going on in the row behind her. There were a couple of ladies who were, excuse my French, fucked off their faces (yes at the fashion festival) sitting in the second row, literally yelling at the models.

Now we all love a good drink, but time and place people! Time and place!

We watched as the Chairman swapped seats with the poor woman who was initially sitting next to the drunken biddies, this poor woman also happened to be the head of one of the major sponsors of the festival.

After realizing that any attempt to shut the women up clearly wasn’t going to work as by this point they had started pretty much drinking from the champagne bottle they had under their seats, the Chairman called security over to eradicate the problem..

The ladies kicked up a massive fuss- reminiscent of those times myself or my friends have been rejected from nightclubs; and security as dragged them out one of them thought it appropriate to pour her drink over the Chairman’s head.. You can imagine the amount of people who rushed briskly to her side with towels/tissues etc.

What made this drama all the more ironic was that one of the ladies left her phone on the seat next to the Chairman.

Honey, you will never, ever be invited to an important event again.. Nor will you ever be getting that phone back.

Lesson to be learned from this scenario- think carefully about occasions that it is okay to get plastered (hint: not at the Fashion Festival), and about who you should be pouring a drink over (hint: not the Chairman of the Fashion Festival).

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Why Bikram Yoga is the worst thing. Ever.

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Walking into my Bikram yoga class for the first time, I was feeling fit, healthy, motivated, and even a little bit indie for going outside my regular routine of banal gym sessions and running. Little did I know what was in store..

The room was stifling. Hot doesn’t even begin to describe it.. It was all-encompassing humidity that made it difficult to breathe before you even threw in the yoga poses. Then there was the smell. I don’t know what it was, but it sure didn’t smell hygienic.

So I was lying there in Savasana, trying to get comfortable which believe me is bloody impossible when there is sweat dripping from every pore of your body- once again to reiterate this was BEFORE the poses even commenced, and in waltzed my teacher signalling that the class was about to begin.

After about five minutes of strenuous poses which we had to hold for extended lengths of time and repeat, I was parched and leaned down to my drink bottle, only to hear the teacher yell at me (yes there was yelling in a yoga class)  “I will tell you when you can drink”. Sassy bitch I thought to myself, but I put my water bottle down and waited for the one designated drink break in the entire ninety minutes.

After this first experience it may surprise you to find out that I did in fact go back. I decided that I might get used to it, and the regulars doing the classes did have the most phenomenal bodies. However, for me Bikram only seemed to get more and more painful.

The worst part about the classes is that you do the same poses in the same order for the same amount of time every session no matter what studio you go to, there is absolutely no variety. So after about three sessions I already knew what was coming.. and that meant I knew when the really awful poses were going to crop up.

Bikram also ends up taking up a whole lot of your day, by the time you get there, spend your hour and a half doing the class, go home and shower, half your day is gone!!

If anyone is interested in giving Bikram a try- after reading this it is beyond me why you still would, but if you are keen I highly recommend trying hot yoga over Bikram.

Hot Yoga only goes for an hour, is not as hot and it is different each time you do it. Also the teachers don’t yell at you…

Here’s the link to my favorite hot yoga studio http://kulayoga.com.au/

And please I beg of you do not go to a Bikram class unless you are prepared to feel the burning pain – both emotional and physical.

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Oh sweety, no.

I am someone who appreciates the concept of “skimplifying”, if you’ve got great boobs, then wear a V-neck and show them off. If you have nice legs then wear a skirt and heels to make them look even longer than they already do. Show off your assets. However the other night at the Eminem concert, I noticed that the majority of the young girls there had taken skimplifying to a level previously unheard of.

This is not to say that the Eminem concert is the only place that this travesty is occurring, at the tennis I saw a girl with denim shorts that were so short, you could see the tan-line from her bikini..

Anyway, at Eminem this first came to my attention as I walked in and saw a girl wearing not one, but two bras (you could tell because one was fluro pink and the other black and they were not well aligned). On top of this she had an eighties-style mesh top. It looked like something straight out of Mardi-Gras.

I also noticed as I stood at my post selling water- a pretty boring job but hey I got to watch Eminem, a larger girl wearing miniscule black shorts having a wiggle in front of us. Let’s just say the view from our angle was not a pretty one. Way too much butt cheek and not enough material.

The final hurrah was when, as I was walking out there was a girl strutting in front of me wearing bike shorts, which were rolled up to look even shorter, with what looked like a black bra. Basically she managed to cover up her boobs and vagina and that was about it, as you will see in my sneaky paparazzi shot below..

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So my advice is in order to keep your dignity, leave a little bit to the imagination. Sure, wear a plunging neckline (I am guilty of doing this quite a lot), or a short skirt with heels (also guilty), but although it might seem tempting, try not to wear your underwear with nothing over the top.. Save this for bed, or after showering before you put your clothes on… or for an appointment with your gynecologist…

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Happy Galentines Day Y’all

Calling a restaurant to book for a table for five on Friday the 14th of February, I immediately felt judged when the response on the other end was “Oh.. Friday’s Valentines Day?”. YES AND I WANT A TABLE FOR FIVE. So on Valentines Day I got all dressed up and prepared myself to see one million couples holding hands and swooning over each other. However what I found was that although there were heaps… and heaps of couples… There were quite a few groups of girls out as well.

So I decided to compile a list of reasons why spending Valentines day with the girls (coined Galentines Day) is better than spending Valentines Day with a partner:

1. You can eat as much as you want because you are “eating your feelings” about not having a partner.. when really you just feel like eating lots

2. Your girlfriends think of things like bringing each other flowers and chocolates

3. Even if your friends don’t buy you flowers and chocolates it doesn’t matter, no offense is taken.. ultimate win/win situation

4. You can eat lots of chocolate because once again you are “eating your feelings” and chocolate will always be there for you

5. You can go to cheap places and save yourself a whole lotta dollars

6. You can eat like a slob- which trust me, I am very good at

7. On that note, you can order Spaghetti and not worry about how much of a mess you are going to be afterwards

8. You don’t have to try and think of a Valentines gift for a boy- WHAT THE HELL DO BOYS WANT ON VALENTINES DAY???

9. You can make fun of couples eg. the couple that gets dropped off by Daddy in a bright yellow Porsche convertible, the couple that look like brother and sister, the couple that sit on their phones the whole meal etc etc

10. You don’t have to wear nice lingerie- better yet you don’t have to BUY nice new lingerie, that shit’s expensive

And at the end of the night- which for us was about 9.30, you can head home to your own bed and online shop and it’s justified because it’s Valentines Day.

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Those Summer Nights

I am a girl who loves me a good musical. The singing, the dancing, the over the top cheesiness of it all- it’s my cup of tea. So the other night I was very over-excited to be on my way to see Grease the musical.

After posing for a classic snap with the musical poster, and then with a cardboard cut out of Rob Mills, it was time, and it started with a bang. It was time to get the crowd involved in a sing along, so cringe but secretly I loved it and of course already knew all the lyrics.

Grease had everything you could expect from a musical- fantastic dancing, songs that you know and love, ex-Australian Idol contestants (I am now even more convinced that Anthony Callea is two genes short of being a dwarf) , and some classic gags from Bert Newton.

The story got a little lost towards the end but what does that matter when we all know it off by heart. Tod McKenney made an appearance as the Guardian Angel and although that reference went straight over my head, those a couple of generations ahead of me had a good laugh, and his voice and characterization were to die for.

It was one of those occasions when I wished my life was a musical and that all those awkward moments I experience- and there are a lot of them, could be eased by breaking into song. I also would love to see it again while inebriated because my friend and I kept joking about when it was going to be our turn to jump up on stage and dance.. and once that seed is planted and you’ve had a few drinks.. There really is no telling what might happen. So if anyone wants to be absolutely humiliated come see Grease again with me!!

To finish off I would just like to say that what I really took away though was the moral of the story of Grease:

Dress like a tramp and you will get the guy. Always.

xxxx Sandra D

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Chur Burger

This past week a couple of friends and I decided to head to Sydney just for shits. After all if you’re game enough to brave the Tiger airways terminal, the flights from Melbourne to Sydney are pretty bloody cheap.

On this little vacation I had the privilege of visiting what is commonly referred to as Sydney’s best burger joint: Chur Burger.

Now even the name was enough to get us excited. We couldn’t stop saying it. When you say it in this little funny Sesame Street voice it’s really addictive.. Anyway that’s beside the point.

I got the chicken burger and some sweet potato fries and let me tell you, I did not regret this decision. The brioche bun was soft and fresh, the hot sauce mayo not too spicy, but a perfect compliment to the grilled chicken.

What made the experience all the more exciting was the fact that the chef was having a boogie to the golden oldies that they had playing throughout the restaurant, and that they had L&P (Lemon and Paeroa) which is this fantastic lemonade- style soft drink from New Zealand. I couldn’t believe my luck.

To top it all off, I spent less than 20 bucks.

If you’re ever in Surry Hills, Sydney head of the Chur Chur Chur Burger for some good grub.

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